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Simple yet Sweet

A Blog for Traveling Souls

Letter to Lost Love

It’s been a while since that cold miserable night at the shopping mall food court. I never realized how greatly time could alter the way you felt and saw things.

I’m not the same person I was even a month ago, and it feels like a lifetime since I hurt you. Since I let you go.

I have always been above feeling and thought of myself as someone who was invincible and immune to pain; immune to suffering. It turns out that was just another lie I chose to believe.

Over the Summer I had a lot of time to think and I had an awaking you could say.  I’ve never been able to say what I mean and have danced around my feelings for as long as I can remember. I’ve never confronted myself on my own bullshit. This is what I’ve wanted to say for a longtime.

When we first started going out I really wanted a serious relationship with you but I thought all you wanted was a “Fuck Boy”. I went along with it because I didn’t want to stop seeing you. When you changed your mind I was confused, happy, and terrified all at once. To be brutally honest I couldn’t understand why the hell you had any interest in me to begin with. I was afraid to accept the fact that anyone could ever want to be with someone like me. I was afraid that I would get hurt and I’ve been hurt before.

I’m not good with rejection; I’ve never been good at it. That’s why I have never gotten too invested in other people. Mostly for fear that they would leave me or not accept me for who I am.

I thought you would leave too and I couldn’t bear that idea. I realize now that was a selfish way of thinking.

I never thought this was the kind of person I would have become. I mean who does? One who runs and hides away from honesty and the truth. I guess I thought it was better to play it safe. At least that way you could never get hurt. The reality is it hurts even more.

I’ve never been truly honest with myself and I was not honest with you.

The most ironic part of this whole thing is that you are the first girl I have ever actually felt for and I threw it away. I’m always sabotaging myself.

You were the kind of girl I dreamed about as a kid. The kind of girl that would pick up the phone at 4am and be ready on a minutes’ notice to go on some adventure. You were that rockstar, Seattle grunge, 90’s girl I was looking for all along but I just didn’t realize it at the time. I was too immature to know that a relationship is hard work and it’s not always easy.

I never thought I would say this about anyone, but, I loved you.

I remember when I first saw you in the old computer lab at the seminar last November. The lights were off, the professor was talking but I just keep looking up hoping you would notice. I was such a loud mouth, I still am but a little less obnoxious I hope.

The minute I saw you I felt some kind of connection. I hate to be cliché but it’s true. I didn’t know a thing about you and yet you seemed so familiar. I still catch myself every once in while saying “like” way to often and I think of that time you called me out for it and smile.

Since that night I’ve tried to get you off my mind but all my attempts have been in vain. No matter what I do I can’t forget you. I can’t turn the page and move on. I guess this is what it feels like to fall in love.

I know that you have moved on and really don’t want to hear from me so I will not burden you anymore with my pathetic attempts to get you back.

I’m pretty sure you already know, but I sent you the flowers. They were for the first date when I showed up like a fool and forgot them. It feels like yesterday but at the same time like an eternity.

If I could start over from the beginning and give what we had a fresh start I’d do it in a minute. I have always believed that we meet people for a reason and I’ll never forget the short time we had together.

You are so strong and above all a beautiful soul. You have this passion in you, a passion that broke through to me. You have made me a better person just by knowing you.

Anyone would be proud to call you theirs and blessed to have you in their life.

I hope you find happiness someday.

Love,

Brandon

P.S. I want you to have my surfer cross. I’ve had it forever and it has always reminded me to follow my dreams and keep searching for that “Endless Summer”.

November 4th, 2016: I don’t always dream…

I don’t always dream but when I do it’s absurd. It’s hard to explain the inner workings of the human brain. I don’t think I could if I tried.

For example, the other night I dreamt I was on the old Late Night Show with Conan O’Brien; Pre-Tonight Show and Pre-TBS. It was really bizarre insomuch as I felt like I was actually there but at the same time knew I was dreaming . Has that ever happened to you?

Anyways, for some strange reason Conan was made out to be an antagonistic character.  I spent the duration of this dream feeling very alone and was very anxious as I was on some sort of mission. It was an odd and very troubling adventure that did not make any sense whatsoever.

I wouldn’t have even remembered this dream if I didn’t have the wherewithal to write it down when I woke up. I feel like these kind of dreams happen all the time we just never give them any second thought.

My dreams don’t usually have any sort of epic conclusions they just end as abruptly as they begin. They’re often vague and ominous and more often than not puzzling.

So the question I now ask to you is what does this all mean?

Why am I flying down some highway going a thousand miles an hour with Judge Judy as my wing women?

Why does this even make its way into my subconscious?

The brain is so misunderstood you know, like a child that has something important to say but you write it off as nonsense, not relevant, insignificant clutter of the mind.

I think we should really start listening to ourselves more often and give our dreams the merit they deserve!

The fact that a intricate and complex instrument such as the brain chooses to associate its self with me is beyond belief.

I think Mr. O’Brien would make a truly menacing villain! He should really try his hand at serious acting i’d love to see that happen.

As for Judge Judy, I’d have to agree with my brain; she’d make a fantastic wing women lol

 

Why is it so hard to form an identity?

I’ll never understand why we are so easily persuaded by others beliefs? Why do we allow ourselves to fall victim to identity theft? Why do we listen to everyone who shares their opinion on how things should be?

I have come to the conclusion that we are all scared beyond belief therefore we grasp at whatever good feeling comes our way. We are extremely insecure beings who need constant positive reinforcement to grow.

Now the problem lies in the fact that negative reinforcement can often feel very similar to positive reinforcement. We become who we are surrounded by (parents, spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, friends etc.). The good news is, that you and you alone control every aspect of how things workout. There is always an outlet for you whatever your situation might be. I promise.

The problem is we care to much about what other people think and unfortunately this is what hinders our ability to take that next step towards a better tomorrow. Everything we do is our choice, don’t ever forget it! Everything that happens, whether good or bad, is ultimately due to the choices we have made throughout our life.

I have come to the realization that nobody can honestly give unbiased advice. Everyone believes they have the correct answer. They are the savior, they are the light! Funny enough must of these people can’t even find their car keys in the morning.

My point here is simply this, stop accepting others gospel as truth.It is so important to understand who you are and not let the world tell you how you need to be! Never conform to societies rules! Be a rebel without a cause! Always question the system and don’t ever allow yourself to fall into the fold.

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