It’s been a while since that cold miserable night at the shopping mall food court. I never realized how greatly time could alter the way you felt and saw things.
I’m not the same person I was even a month ago, and it feels like a lifetime since I hurt you. Since I let you go.
I have always been above feeling and thought of myself as someone who was invincible and immune to pain; immune to suffering. It turns out that was just another lie I chose to believe.
Over the Summer I had a lot of time to think and I had an awaking you could say. I’ve never been able to say what I mean and have danced around my feelings for as long as I can remember. I’ve never confronted myself on my own bullshit. This is what I’ve wanted to say for a longtime.
When we first started going out I really wanted a serious relationship with you but I thought all you wanted was a “Fuck Boy”. I went along with it because I didn’t want to stop seeing you. When you changed your mind I was confused, happy, and terrified all at once. To be brutally honest I couldn’t understand why the hell you had any interest in me to begin with. I was afraid to accept the fact that anyone could ever want to be with someone like me. I was afraid that I would get hurt and I’ve been hurt before.
I’m not good with rejection; I’ve never been good at it. That’s why I have never gotten too invested in other people. Mostly for fear that they would leave me or not accept me for who I am.
I thought you would leave too and I couldn’t bear that idea. I realize now that was a selfish way of thinking.
I never thought this was the kind of person I would have become. I mean who does? One who runs and hides away from honesty and the truth. I guess I thought it was better to play it safe. At least that way you could never get hurt. The reality is it hurts even more.
I’ve never been truly honest with myself and I was not honest with you.
The most ironic part of this whole thing is that you are the first girl I have ever actually felt for and I threw it away. I’m always sabotaging myself.
You were the kind of girl I dreamed about as a kid. The kind of girl that would pick up the phone at 4am and be ready on a minutes’ notice to go on some adventure. You were that rockstar, Seattle grunge, 90’s girl I was looking for all along but I just didn’t realize it at the time. I was too immature to know that a relationship is hard work and it’s not always easy.
I never thought I would say this about anyone, but, I loved you.
I remember when I first saw you in the old computer lab at the seminar last November. The lights were off, the professor was talking but I just keep looking up hoping you would notice. I was such a loud mouth, I still am but a little less obnoxious I hope.
The minute I saw you I felt some kind of connection. I hate to be cliché but it’s true. I didn’t know a thing about you and yet you seemed so familiar. I still catch myself every once in while saying “like” way to often and I think of that time you called me out for it and smile.
Since that night I’ve tried to get you off my mind but all my attempts have been in vain. No matter what I do I can’t forget you. I can’t turn the page and move on. I guess this is what it feels like to fall in love.
I know that you have moved on and really don’t want to hear from me so I will not burden you anymore with my pathetic attempts to get you back.
I’m pretty sure you already know, but I sent you the flowers. They were for the first date when I showed up like a fool and forgot them. It feels like yesterday but at the same time like an eternity.
If I could start over from the beginning and give what we had a fresh start I’d do it in a minute. I have always believed that we meet people for a reason and I’ll never forget the short time we had together.
You are so strong and above all a beautiful soul. You have this passion in you, a passion that broke through to me. You have made me a better person just by knowing you.
Anyone would be proud to call you theirs and blessed to have you in their life.
I hope you find happiness someday.
P.S. I want you to have my surfer cross. I’ve had it forever and it has always reminded me to follow my dreams and keep searching for that “Endless Summer”.